The most badass giant squids in pop culture

I always say I'm afraid of half the world, and that's probably not too much of a hyperbole. If ladybugs and butterflies give me the willies, imagine what would happen if I ever encountered a truly terrifying creature in the wild. So, when I heard about a surplus in the population of giant squids near Southern California, I turned up the volume of my podcast and tuned in. I wanted the description of the giant squid to strike terror into the hearts of Chuck Norris wannabes all over the world just so I could gloat about the safety of going to school in Canada, far away from nautical monsters. (Tangent: I was looking for a synonym for "beast" that started with the letter "N" for the sake of alliteration, and the closest I could come up with was "monster." Any suggestions?)

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While getting attacked by a giant squid is no walk in the park, these guys aren't as badass as I'd like them to be. They're only about five feet long, but that's including the length of their tentacles. That's not what Hollywood has led me to believe. Granted, there's a species called a "colossal squid," but when you hear these terrible tales, you hear the term "GIANT squid" tossed out, not "colossal," which may be the reason for my unfulfilled expectations. So, I'm going to reinforce some myths and hope I can pass them off to my readers as truth. If these depictions don't make your hair curl, I wouldn't suggest investing in hair rollers because your follicles are as straight as President Ahmadinejad would like you to believe Iran is.

THE WATCHER IN THE WATER
Geeky as I am, for some reason I'm not entirely familiar with the Lord of the Rings franchise. Apparently, in The Fellowship of the Ring, a creature resembling a giant squid attacks the Bling Posse. Not even Gandalf knew what it was. If Gandalf is the Dumbledore of TLotR, that giant squid HAD to be one BAMF.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN
Like the rest of the world, I loved the first Pirates movie, somehow brought myself to see the other two, and didn't even care enough to figure out what was going on for those last two. Well, when kids don't understand something they read, we give them pictures. Hearken back to those two movies you rejected from your memory, and consider the iconography.

Davy Jones had a squid for a beard.

Davy Jones controlled a giant squid that was big enough to crush the Black Pearl. Correction: big enough to crush the Black Pearl with little effort and only using some of its tentacles.

So, what's the visualization of badassery in the Pirates franchise? Freaking giant squids.

LITERATURE
Not since my junior year of high school when I took AP English have I really given much thought about classic literature. Instead, most of my spare-time-reading has been reduced to misspelled fragments in YouTube comments and the news ticker on the bottom of the screen when I watch CNN. Sad? Yes. But who needs to read fiction when I can watch summer comedies and blockbusters?

But before such classics as Paul Blart: Mall Cop, people actually bothered reading old timey books. Highlights:

- Ahab mistakes a giant squid for Moby Dick in Herman Melville's classic
- The crew battles a school of squid -- yes, I looked up the appropriate term; I originally thought it was "pod" -- in Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea
- James Bond takes on a squid in Dr. No
and the one I know the best:
- A giant squid resides in the lake at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Its only appearance was when it almost attacked a small boy in a boat.

(Thanks go to Pokey, my sister Melissa, and Wikipedia's verification for reading for me and collecting these tidbits.)

THE LITTLE MERMAID
If you did not poo your pants when the shot of Ursula the Sea Witch's eyes glowed in the darkness with malicious intent, you were not watching the movie. The movie to which I'm referring is Disney's The Little Mermaid, which showed demonstrated a truly monstrous new aspect: not only does a giant squid have the capability to squish your brains, it can also formulate devilish schemes, perform magic, and sing while doing so. When it was convenient, Ursula grew a bajillion times her size, and could've used Prince Eric as dental floss had he not poked her with a ship first.

This movie enlightens on the other terrifying prospect of the giant squid: they are all secretly sea witches with magical potions. They just haven't chosen to act upon their evil desires yet. Badass? I say, "Yea."