Harper doesn't like Canadian . . .

. . . news.*


KITTEH NEEDS LOLCAT CAPTION CONTEST. KTHXBI

Prime Minister Stephen Harper apparently doesn't like to read Canadian news. In fact, he does the most anti-Canadian thing most Canadians can dream of: he reads -- *GASP!* -- American news. Apparently, he likes to read about American politics as more of a hobby.

I'll defend him here; I don't think he needs to read Canadian news. See, usually that means he's in there somewhere, and he probably doesn't want to see his face plastered everywhere with negative and speculative captions jabbing the reader's attention. Hey, I wouldn't want to see that, either.

The other point is he's the freaking prime minister. Dude has more aides than American rednecks could count with a calculator. They tell him everything he needs to know, and don't waste his time with what (they tell him) he doesn't need to know. He's gotta be pretty busy if he's helping to run the country, even if it is little ole Canada (zing!).

One other reason this doesn't surprise me: most Canadians I know who are interested in politics spend most of their time analyzing American politics. Face it, they're more interesting by nature: bipartisan politics mean crazies on BOTH sides! Compromise, functionality, and productivity with multiple parties and executive forces? Pshh. That's for squares.

But, really, Canadians only pay attention to Canadian news because it affects them, but for fun, dynamic American politics are where it's at. People may suggest Harper should read Canadian news, but like I said, his aides do that for him. He can choose whatever hobbies he prefers. If those include studying American politics, than he's doing justice to the sweater vests he wears.

This post doesn't save Palin from my scoffing attacks at her for not being able to name a single new source she "reads." Journalism major, my extremity.









*On this blog, I rarely cite my sources just because I can (although if you ever ask, I'll post the website/link to newspaper where I found it; I don't make this stuff up).

Adam Lambert's new song suffers the American Idol curse

I heard Adam was going to work with Lady Gaga's producers on his album. On American Idol, this guy was the king of reinvention. Even when he wasn't re-creating something, his stylistic choices, vocal arrangements, and in-the-moment performances made him more memorable than Kris What's-His-Name. Remember when he blew your socks off with the KISS performance?


(Pardon the quality, but it's the best I could find. Somebody needs to tell the 12-year-olds who upload American Idol videos to stop recording them from a video camera.)

Well, unfortunately, none of that glitzy style has transcended into his solo work. I present to you the mess that is his first single, "Time for Miracles."



The arrangements are predictable, the theme is unoriginal, the lyrics are just one cliche after another, and the whole song is blase. Even Adam seems bored when he sings it. There needed to at least be more moments for him to belt out his signature screams.

Lambert isn't a songwriter; he's a song makeover artist.

Witness: vintage Adam Lambert in "Crazy" -- and it means something when I say he sounds good on it, because I'm a huge Gnarls Barkley fan



and: "Ring of Fire" -- not his original concept for the rearrangement, but still something new


Here's my point. Adam Lambert needs to be given a distinctively jarring track. Then, let him take the reins on vocal post-production. Have some creative writers pen lyrics that mean something -- or maybe even don't mean anything, but leave listeners scratching their heads wondering what they could mean -- and Lambert's inspiration will follow. If you give him the dry, lifelessly generic songs that could be David Cook's or Daughtry's latest radio-friendly dud, he won't do much to the song. Hopefully, his other songs will be Lady Gaga-influenced poppers with funky synth beats and clever hooks, and he can fill in the gaps with his Freddie Mercury voice. Now is no time to be humble; if he doesn't take some risks, he'll fall under the American Idol curse until he's just another once-been.

This looks like fun

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Seth Rogen: The Green Hornet

Seth Rogen -- the (usually) likeable stoner with a rumbling voice from the Judd Apatow movies -- is starring in the title role in the 2010 film adaptation of The Green Hornet. The story of Britt Reid's alter ego originated in a 1930s radio show about a newspaper publisher by day, badass crime-fighter by night, and has since spawned several (unknown to me) TV series and comic books.

The thing that struck me about this tidbit was Seth Rogen as a superhero. Um, really? The quintessential slacker is taking on a superhero role?

At any rate, I doubt he'll fail. Since the character is relatively unknown, there are no expectations on how the Green Hornet should act, think, talk, or move. His mannerisms are up for interpretation, meaning Rogen can take whatever feel he wants to the role. As far as avoiding typical superhero movie failures, Rogen should be in the clear. Now, the producers only have to worry about the regular movie woes, i.e. trying to make it entertaining and not make it, you know, suckish.

Granted, Rogen can do whatever the hell he wants with the role; he's also one of the screenplay writers. Also involved in the project: Cameron Diaz as the token chick (yawn). The director, Michel Gondry, won an Oscar for Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

Party-Crashing at the VMAs

I wanted to see the VMAs weeks before it aired, and I'm so ticked I didn't get to see it live. You've already heard what happened, but here's the collection of YouTube clips.

First, Lil Mama crashes Jay-Z's and Alicia Keys's performance. She said she was "really feelin' it," and gosh darn it, she couldn't be contained in her seat!



The second-best new Internet meme of Photoshop after Kanye.



I don't need to explain what happened with Taylor Swift and Kanye West. Even if I did, I'm not in the US right now, and MTV deleted all videos of the incident so that it would be the only one with footage, yet it's not offered outside of the US. Douchetools.

I stole this from bigtimenarutofan on YouTube, the only international file-sharing site that won't give me a virus.

Lizard tails have a mind of their own?

Something like that. A lizard or a gecko can jump without a tail, even though its balance is off. However, did you know a tail will keep flopping around by itself after it's been chopped off from the rest of the body? Scientists have new evidence that suggests disembodied lizard tails know to move on their own because they react to the new environment. So, if you poke it, it'll recoil. If it's off on its own, it'll jump around in a panic. It looks like this:



Kinda reminds me of Thing from the Addams Family.

The Ryan Jenkins Irony

Vh1 makes its money by making Jerry Springer primetime. It started with a spinoff of a spinoff to its most popular series, and since then, entertainment developed its own genre: "trainwreck TV."

After The Surreal Life led to Flavor Flav's and Brigitte Nielsen's spinoff, in which Nielsen dumped Flav, the revolution of the trashy version of The Bachelor hit with Flavor of Love. Now, Vh1's programming virtually only consists of dating show spinoffs from former contestants and I Love Money, which consists of former dating contestants competing for money instead of lust -- er, "love."

The editing is heavy, most of the fights seemed staged, and almost everybody's dignity is scrapped. Vh1 creates entertainment by illustrating the negative yet comical aspects of individuals. To do this, the network exploits its contestants' naïveté.

When the media released news of the Ryan Jenkins's gruesome yet alleged murder-suicide, Vh1 canceled both shows in which Jenkins appeared: Megan Wants a Millionaire and I Love Money 3. If Vh1 aired those episodes, ratings would no doubt shoot up higher than anything the network had ever seen. Case study: If Heath Ledger's tragedy had not occurred before the release of The Dark Knight, there's no way it would have drawn the audiences it did to beat out Star Wars: Episode IV -- A New Hope for one of the most popular movies of all time, behind only Titanic.

A classy move from a network that makes its money by exhibiting the lack of class in its contestants.

A move that respects the morals of Vh1 and the dignity of the tragedy's victims and families from a network that's accused of being morally bankrupt.

Ironic, isn't it? Yet it's a welcome irony.

Politicians go all Jerry Springer on your ass!

Maybe it's because August is a notoriously slow news month, but the politicians in this country (the US) are beginning to unravel. Decorum has been chucked out the window of a campaign bus in favor of snapping at citizens who are asking questions.

I don't believe there's a completely direct link between entertainment media and reality. In fact, I scoffed this morning when a DJ on 98 PXY suggested Ryan Jenkins, a man who brutally murdered his ex-wife, was driven to his psychotic state of violence because he may have watched Power Rangers as a child. Howevs, if I did think that, then I would attribute the strange behavior of some politicians to the rise of reality television.

Either that, or it's an early sign of the 2012 apocalypse.

Example A: Hillary Clinton. In a trip to various parts of Africa, she stopped in Congo on August 10th to answer questions from college students. Personally, I'd understand how she's feeling. If your career was built on the coattails of somebody else, your insecurity against these criticisms would lead you to rehearse this speech time and again. The funniest part is, the question that was asked didn't even accuse of her of acting like what my sister calls "Billary." Watch and enjoy.



Example B: Barney Frank. I love watching this video. I'm sure they show this video to up-and-coming politicians in their Publicity 101 class to demonstrate what NOT to do. Still, even if you're a Republican, there must have been times when you've wanted somebody to say something like this to somebody who's being stupid. Anybody who believes the fear-mongering bull Bill O'Reilly writes deserves Frank's answer here. Now, if only somebody would play this audio to the kiddies who claim Obama is a terrorist because his middle name is "Hussein."

Bill Gates: Weather God

Bill Gates is applying for a patent so he can be even more godlike than usual. Remember when I said the MindFLEX could help you be like Jean Grey? Well, Gates wants to one-up Mattel by trying to be like Storm.

Maybe since Gates was voted Person of the Year by TIME a couple years ago, he has adopted a divine quality that only the richest man in the world could have.

Gates submitted patent applications for a technology that would cool the waters that cause hurricanes. Since warm waters cause and increase the intensity of hurricanes, in theory, cooler water would decrease the magnitude of -- or eliminate -- hurricane winds.

CNN describes the potential invention as a series of tubes, which would push warm water down and spurt cool water out.

So, Gates and his team of scientists are going to sit around, wait until a hurricane threat is announced, fly in his private jets to wherever the location is, and then magically suck out warm water and replace it with cooler water, that happens to stay cool?

Have fun with that.

Hey, Gates, if you don't get that patent, go ahead with your plan anyway. If you were anybody but the richest dude in the world, I'd say nay, but since you're you, I'd love to see this hunk of junk in use. Put it on YouTube, please.

American troops destroy ancient Babylonian wonder

This is just sad.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/meast/07/31/iraq.babylon.damage/index.html

Redheads are whinier because . . .

. . . they're more sensitive to pain.

Allegedly.

The Journal of American Dental Association has published studies that suggest that redheads may be more sensitive to pain -- specifically, oral pain -- than their dark-haired counterparts. As CNN reports:

"Researchers believe variants of the melanocortin-1 receptor gene play a role. This MC1R gene produces melanin, which gives skin, hair and eyes their color.

While blond, brown and black-haired people produce melanin, those with red hair have a mutation of this receptor. It produces a different coloring called pheomelanin, which results in freckles, fair skin and ginger hair. About 5 percent of whites are estimated to have these characteristics.

While the relationship between MC1R and pain sensitivity is not entirely understood, researchers have found MC1R receptors in the brain and some of them are known to influence pain sensitivity."

Wait, maaaaaaaybe the link is this MC1R? And only redheads have this sensitivity problem? Well, if the pheomelanin produces the hair and skin characteristics linked to sensitivity, what about people like me? My hair is definitely dark, but I have plenty of freckles in the summer and my skin is so fair that I get burned without at least an SPF 30 coated twice. So, does that make me more susceptible to the pain at the dentist than most? But -- but -- I'm not a redhead!

And "the relationship between MC1R and pain sensitivity is not entirely understood," which means this is just a guess.

My guess is that within the study they performed, there happened to be a high percentage of redheads that complained a lot. After all, there were some dark-haired people in the control group who were just as sensitive to the pain.

So, what's my uneducated, unauthorized opinion? Redheads are NOT more sensitive than I am to dental pain; they just complain a lot, like this article.

End workplace discrimination

The following was taken from the website PassENDANow.org:

At work, you probably expect to be judged on your qualifications and performance, not on your personal life. But in 29 states, you can be fired because you're gay or because your boss thinks you are -- and it's 100% legal. It's 38 states if you're transgender. That's just not right.

This e-card is funny, but the issue couldn't be more serious. I hope you'll take action with Human Rights Campaign to tell Congress to include gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people in federal workplace discrimination laws.

It's about time "equal opportunity" included all of us.

Go to http://www.passENDAnow.org

R.I.P., Alexis Cohen

I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't see it on BBC News .

Alexis Cohen, temporarily known as "Glitter Girl" after her first audition, was a contestant on American Idol. Her claim to fame was as another contestant classified as one of "The Crazies" due to her eccentric manner and her profanity-laden rejection speech. She claimed she would be "victorious" and represent people who are a little quirkier than most, but her attitude changed after Simon belittled her with -- well, you know, the same old comments he gives to people who aren't fantastic. She auditioned on both seasons seven and eight.

Well, I disagree with Simon. Cohen was one of my favorite contestants on American Idol. Obviously, she acted a little crazier for the cameras, and she was so deliciously out there that she reminded me why I watch the first few weeks of the show and stop after that. Although her voice was jarring and weird at first, once the viewer listens to it for a bit, it seemed like she could really rock. Yeah, it's unconventional. Yeah, it's sometimes grating. But given the right polish of a recording studio and a really kickass backup band, she'd tear the soul out of a song, whatever strange way she would come up with. To me, she was intriguing.

Before Idol, Cohen was an animal rights activist. She resided in Allentown, Pennsylvania, and lived with her mother, dog, and two cats. As stated in the video, she had been studying to become a veterinarian. She auditioned for the show in 2008 and again in 2009, but she'll be most known from her first audition (see below).

This past weekend, she died from injuries resulting in a hit-and-run accident in Ocean County, New Jersey. Her autopsy revealed injuries in the abdomen, head, and chest. 23 year-old Daniel Bark of Toms River, New Jersey has been arrested and charged with reckless driving and leaving the scene of an accident in relation to Cohen's death, according to zap2it.com.

Alexis, you had a cult following, fame, notoriety, and even a song made out of your speech. You'll be missed. Peace, love, and chicken grease.

Fembot Aiko

Since my last post was about androids -- and don't worry, readers, I'll keep you updated on more signs of androids, zombies, and witches when I come across them -- I thought I'd share this gem of science with you.



This is a fembot named "Aiko," meaning "loved one" in Japanese. She was built by a Japanese-Canadian named Le Trung, who received his degree from York University and resides in Toronto. He majored in Micro Biology and Analytical Chemistry over eleven years in school, and wrote his thesis on the effects of aspirin. Those are what I call "smart people majors," but take note: these majors have nothing to do with building robots. And yet, he built arguably the most advanced gyroid of our time. Not only did he not major in SciFi Engineering, this dude quit his job and built a gyroid out of his freaking basement. By himself. With, like, no sponsors. Yeah, this was the dude you wanted as your lab partner in high school.

Aiko can identify colors, faces, and objects. She can read and carry a conversation with you because she knows over 13,000 sentences. Moreover, she can distinguish a few tastes of food and drinks, tell you the weather, and solve math. Most importantly, she has the ability to learn.

Here's a list I found at Aiko's website, http://projectaiko.com.

Aiko's future abilities:

1. Facial Expressions
2. Make tea and coffee
3. Feed me sushi
4. Make simple breakfast: eggs and bacon
5. If I lie my head down on Aiko lap, have her clean my ears with a Q-tip.
6. Ability to massage my shoulders and neck.
7. Able to do print and write
8. Clean the windows
9. Dust the shelves
10. Clean my toilet. (I hate cleaning the bathroom, might as well have someone else do it for me)

(Dude, I don't blame you. I'd have Aiko clean my bathroom, too. Also, I like how you want her to feed you sushi. Nothing else. Just sushi.)

In case you were wondering, yes, she has the closest anatomy to a female as possible. No, she's not a sex toy. She's just a personal slave who can make you breakfast and sushi soon.

Here's a great video of Aiko. Her YouTube channel is aibot21.

Evidence of the android invasion

A few things I'd like to point out:

- She's apparently in a party setting, but she's all by herself. She doesn't seem interested in anybody else, and nobody is interested in her. Furthermore, she doesn't even seem like she just came from an engaging conversation; she just showed up at the party to inform us of our birth control pill. Humans, even anti-social ones, wouldn't do that.

- The chick tries so hard to speak to us casually about dire consequences, such as "chronic inflammatory disease," "blood clots," and "strokes." But, you know, that wouldn't be as concerning to an android.

- She takes loud breaths in the middle of her sentences. Humans who can hear usually know how to pace their breaths. Robots don't really breathe, so they're learning how to fake it.

- Watch her eyes as she speaks to you. Her pupils are in your direction, but she doesn't look like she's looking right into the camera. I'd say she's reading cue cards or a prompter, but her eyes aren't moving from side to side. They're unfocused yet focused at the same time? She's looking towards you, but not really looking at you? Must be a distinguishing feature of the non-human ANDROID.




. . . .





Also, beware Android 3.0: Patrick Chewing.

My plea to recording artists

Please stop using Auto-Tune. It's not cool anymore.



Anyone who listens to pop, rock, country, R&B, and even some hip hop on the radio nowadays has heard Auto-Tune before, but he or she may not be aware of it. To those of you who don't know, Auto-Tune is the technology that corrects pitch problems and other flaws. So, if you fall flat on your longer notes or the notes in your higher range sound a little forced, Auto-Tune can fix them. It's the reason people like Hilary Duff are allowed to make music albums. According to a podcast from TIME magazine I heard a couple months ago, Auto-Tune was created by an engineer working at Exxon after someone bet him he couldn't invent something to make a tone-deaf singer sound decent.

For most pop tarts, this is the greatest thing since fat paychecks reached the music industry. If you listen hard, I guarantee you will hear traces Auto-Tune anytime you hear a high note that seems a little less than human.

Then, along came Cher.



She and her producers were looking for the next great sound. Apparently, if you turn the dial up on Auto-Tune to a high level, you get a bleating, robotic sound similar to the one you get when you talk into a fan.

Here's a before/after video of the effect.



So, it was pretty cool when Cher did it. Then T-Pain thought he was just sooooooooo original by reviving the effect on his entire album. Then rapper Kanye West thought he'd skip on the whole, you know, rapping thing in favor of an ENTIRE FREAKING ALBUM OF AUTO-TUNE. And if you thought that was overkill, now everyone from Jamie Foxx to the Black-Eyed Peas are dependent on the "Cher effect," as it's sometimes known.

It's not cool, fresh, and original anymore. Please stop thinking cranking up Auto-Tune will make your song anything more than generic. It's getting annoying.

Moreover, artists who use Auto-Tune for its original purpose may make a decent-sounding record, but their live performances are getting increasingly more horrific. Either these people sing tone-deaf or lip-sync, which makes it no fun to go and pay forty bucks to see them. Plus, more and more talentless but conventionally pretty people are getting signed to record labels when those with a raw musical gift -- or at least, decent singing voice -- are cleared to the side like the crumbs on my kitchen table.

I watched the BET Awards-slash-tribute-to-Michael-Jackson, and Jamie Foxx sang his "Alcohol" song with a live Auto-Tune feed turned all the way up. Live Auto-Tune is weird and inherently unnatural. When did music turn into merely finding the right combination of notes to be played into Auto-Tune? Whatever happened to passion, soul, and feeling? Imagine if Aretha Franklin were subjected to such treachery.

The mandatory generic Palin blog

A Palin post from a blogger may not be original, but in my defense, I was mocking Sarah Palin before it was popular.



It took me a couple views of various videos of Palin explaining herself to understand why Palin is willingly resigning. From the news stories, all I heard was "analysts believe" or "speculation suggests" Palin was resigning in the interest of running for president in 2012 (coincidentally, the year of the apocalypse, according to the Mayan calendar). I thought I'd try to check it out for myself, and thus subjugated myself to Palin's incoherent ramblings.

After reviewing the carefully calculated photo-ops of Palin in overalls, I've come to the conclusion that she's running away from Alaska before she does anything stupider than usual. At least, that's all I can figure out. Much like the vice presidential debates, she rotates between irrelevant tangents and memorized flash cards (in the above video, the lines are "energy independence," "national security," and "small government" -- you get a virtual prize if you're the first one to comment with the correct number of times she repeats her flash card lines to avoid answering the interviewer's questions).

Okay, readers, you caught me: that may or may not be speculation. Quotes:

- Palin claims she's escaping "politics as usual." Somebody please tell me what this means. To me, that means she's become a media darling for her stupid one-liners. The American public needed a new scapegoat for stupidity after we knew Bush was stepping out of office. So, I'm thinking she doesn't want to be in a political office where people judge her actions. Instead, she wants time to give well-planned quotes instead of on-the-spot decisions, so when journalists ask for her celebrity opinion on events, she and her publicists can come up with the most intelligent-sounding quote.

- The title of the video above is "I am not a quitter; I am a fighter." Yeah. Because you can do so much more for your causes out of office without gubernatorial, executive power than with it. Face it, Caribou Barbie; nobody resigns from public office (except for personal reasons, such as family or health) unless he or she is trying to save face.

- I paraphrase, but she mentions something about how being out of office is more productive than being in it. First reaction? See the above bullet. But when you think about it, it makes sense in some ways. Remember Nixon's pardon? A lot more time and energy would have been spent for Nixon's trial that would have been unnecessary, and I support the pardon. Palin may have some ethics allegations, but she has no official charges. My guess is the longer she's in office, the more time officials will spend looking for dirt to dig up when there may not even be any. The point is Palin probably doesn't want the extra attention on Alaska at the moment.

Or on herself, if she's getting ready for the White House.

One last bit: if she is looking at furniture for Pennsylvania Avenue, how bright is it to resign now? She was most heavily criticized for lacking political knowledge, which most people blamed on not having enough political experience. Of the presidential candidates and their running mates, she had the most executive experience. Now, she have even less experience. Then again, Obama was able to work his toothy-grinned charm enough to get elected with little experience.

Dick Cheney's in the federal dog house

Former vice president Dick Cheney allegedly told the CIA to withhold information about its counter-terrorism program from Congress over eight years ago, according to the new CIA director Leon Panetta.

The program was introduced not long after 9/11, and when Panetta stepped into office, he learned of Cheney's order to the Bush Administration's CIA to not to release any details.

Hmmm. Curious piece of information. Here are some other facts for you.

Despite Bush's claims that the US government didn't use torture in his administration, we know that's not true. Maybe he means the US doesn't officially torture American citizens.

Much of this is classified and alleged, but what we do know is that the administration made a habit of abducting suspected terrorists -- though not always arresting them or assigning charges -- and giving them the title of "enemy combatants." This means they're not entitled to the rights they would have had as "prisoners of war" under the Geneva Convention, which clearly dismisses the use of mental or physical torture. As enemy combatants, members of al-Qaeda, for example, were deported to black sites or other countries that do allow torture, such as Syria or Lebanon. Therefore, the American government wouldn't actually be torturing during its interrogations on American soil, and the government can get away with never publicly condoning the use of torture, yet still implement it by getting other countries to do their dirty work for them. Plus, there's a little something called Guantanamo Bay.

That's the brief background, thanks to past research results from factcheck.org, Human Rights Watch, American news stories, and Al-Jazeera. This Amnesty International report lists a few allegations:

http://www.amnesty.org/en/library/info/AMR51/063/2005

So, those are the straight facts. Here's my speculation.

Cheney's refusal to keep Congress informed reminds me of the time he declared that the vice president doesn't fit under any branch of government and thus doesn't have to conform to their rules. His primary concern was always national security, but his methods irk me. Why is the guy keeping mum? What has he to hide?



Cheney's aides might claim releasing reports would "compromise the security of the people." BullsPit, Mr. Speaker. If you think you have this clever plan that torturing people willy nilly is more effective if it's a surprise when the victims arrive to the black site, you're mistaken. Torture operates on fear tactics, and you'd actually get more results if you let potential terrorists know that's what they're up against should they get caught, and the government is relentless enough to compromise rights of the innocent on a regular basis.

No, that's not it. My guess is Cheney is well aware of how illegal his actions are, so he figures hiding the information from Congress when he had a legal obligation to inform them was the lesser of two evils. Cheney's imaginery fourth branch of government means he tells himself, "I'm in the right. Congress just wouldn't understand."

Hmmmmmm. Yep. Because one guy would know so much more than the hundreds of qualified representatives who are working just as hard to protect the country as he is.

And the new Green Lantern is. . . .

. . . Ryan Reynolds. And he's perfect.



The Green Lantern, a product of DC Comics (think Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, etc.), is set to release as a movie in 2011, with filming beginning in November. No huge names in production, however; the director, Martin Campbell, is most notable only for his Zorro movies, and the head writers aren't that famous either. One writer did about three episodes of Heroes while the other sees his most famous work in teen soaps such as Dawnson's Creek. One can only hope since these guys are relative newcomers to blockbusters films, let alone superhero films, they won't follow the tendencies of most crappy superhero films. Need I remind you of Spiderman and X-Men sequels, the Dare Devil, and -- gulp -- the infamous Batman Forever, which featured nipples on the Batsuit?

Word around the Geekdom street is Reynolds beat out actors Bradley Cooper and Jared Leto for the role, as well as -- get this -- Justin Timberlake. A wise decision, casting directors, because D.C. is only barely beginning to earn back its street cred after Batman Forever, and it would never recover if freaking JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE were the lead in an action movie.

I also assert Reynolds is a wise decision for three powerful reasons:

A) HE ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE THE CHARACTER HE'S SUPPOSED TO PLAY
This is the most important reason, I think. Much as I cherish the Batman movies for their cheesiness, they all suck mostly because there has NEVER been an actor cast for the role who actually resembles Bruce Wayne. Never. It's like the casting directors just picked their celebrity crushes with George Clooney, Christian Bale, Val Kilmer instead of actually matching the drawing with a dude who looks like him.

Reynolds LOOKS LIKE Hal Jordan, almost so much so it's scary. Perhaps more importantly, Reynolds has Jordan's vibe. Despite being called a racist in the 1970s, the Green Lantern has to be an inherently nice guy, and Reynolds has that attitude. Whereas Batman's never found his brooding but dominating presence onscreen in the live-action films, Ryan Reynolds has the ability to translate the Green Lantern in a big-budget film. (Granted, GL is nowhere near as complicated a character as Batman, but whatevs.)

B) HE'S NOT A DOUCHE
I can't think of a fan base that would reject Ryan Reynolds. The dude has done horror (The Amityville Horror ), sitcoms (guest starring roles and Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place), rom coms (Just Friends and The Proposal), and more teen movies than can be counted. More importantly, he already has experience in the superhero genre since he's Deadpool in two X-Men: Origins movies, one of which stars Deadpool himself.

My point? He has crossover appeal. Guys who grew up with him in teen movies in the late nineties are now in the perfect age group to appreciate him in a leading man role. Moreover, more chicks might like him than dudes, because of his work in successful (by monetary standards) romantic comedies and the fact that he's, well, Prince Charming.

C) HE'S CANADIAN

Hey, I'm half-Canadian, so I'm always cheering for Canadians. Let me have my moment. Plus, a Canadian scoring a big role is like an underdog rising through the ranks.

The Canadian government controls its media, but not in the way China or Iran does. Instead, it forces regulations on media outlets to assure enough "Canadian content" fits each quota. While "Canadian content" is loosely defined, I don't think a Hollywood-made movie would make the cut. Still, Reynolds is sure to become a Canadian media darling while promoting his movie, and he'd get more exposure if he -- a Canadian -- went on a Canadian talk show. More exposure means more publicity means more audiences attend a D.C. Comics movie. Life is good.

The most badass giant squids in pop culture

I always say I'm afraid of half the world, and that's probably not too much of a hyperbole. If ladybugs and butterflies give me the willies, imagine what would happen if I ever encountered a truly terrifying creature in the wild. So, when I heard about a surplus in the population of giant squids near Southern California, I turned up the volume of my podcast and tuned in. I wanted the description of the giant squid to strike terror into the hearts of Chuck Norris wannabes all over the world just so I could gloat about the safety of going to school in Canada, far away from nautical monsters. (Tangent: I was looking for a synonym for "beast" that started with the letter "N" for the sake of alliteration, and the closest I could come up with was "monster." Any suggestions?)

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While getting attacked by a giant squid is no walk in the park, these guys aren't as badass as I'd like them to be. They're only about five feet long, but that's including the length of their tentacles. That's not what Hollywood has led me to believe. Granted, there's a species called a "colossal squid," but when you hear these terrible tales, you hear the term "GIANT squid" tossed out, not "colossal," which may be the reason for my unfulfilled expectations. So, I'm going to reinforce some myths and hope I can pass them off to my readers as truth. If these depictions don't make your hair curl, I wouldn't suggest investing in hair rollers because your follicles are as straight as President Ahmadinejad would like you to believe Iran is.

THE WATCHER IN THE WATER
Geeky as I am, for some reason I'm not entirely familiar with the Lord of the Rings franchise. Apparently, in The Fellowship of the Ring, a creature resembling a giant squid attacks the Bling Posse. Not even Gandalf knew what it was. If Gandalf is the Dumbledore of TLotR, that giant squid HAD to be one BAMF.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN
Like the rest of the world, I loved the first Pirates movie, somehow brought myself to see the other two, and didn't even care enough to figure out what was going on for those last two. Well, when kids don't understand something they read, we give them pictures. Hearken back to those two movies you rejected from your memory, and consider the iconography.

Davy Jones had a squid for a beard.

Davy Jones controlled a giant squid that was big enough to crush the Black Pearl. Correction: big enough to crush the Black Pearl with little effort and only using some of its tentacles.

So, what's the visualization of badassery in the Pirates franchise? Freaking giant squids.

LITERATURE
Not since my junior year of high school when I took AP English have I really given much thought about classic literature. Instead, most of my spare-time-reading has been reduced to misspelled fragments in YouTube comments and the news ticker on the bottom of the screen when I watch CNN. Sad? Yes. But who needs to read fiction when I can watch summer comedies and blockbusters?

But before such classics as Paul Blart: Mall Cop, people actually bothered reading old timey books. Highlights:

- Ahab mistakes a giant squid for Moby Dick in Herman Melville's classic
- The crew battles a school of squid -- yes, I looked up the appropriate term; I originally thought it was "pod" -- in Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea
- James Bond takes on a squid in Dr. No
and the one I know the best:
- A giant squid resides in the lake at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Its only appearance was when it almost attacked a small boy in a boat.

(Thanks go to Pokey, my sister Melissa, and Wikipedia's verification for reading for me and collecting these tidbits.)

THE LITTLE MERMAID
If you did not poo your pants when the shot of Ursula the Sea Witch's eyes glowed in the darkness with malicious intent, you were not watching the movie. The movie to which I'm referring is Disney's The Little Mermaid, which showed demonstrated a truly monstrous new aspect: not only does a giant squid have the capability to squish your brains, it can also formulate devilish schemes, perform magic, and sing while doing so. When it was convenient, Ursula grew a bajillion times her size, and could've used Prince Eric as dental floss had he not poked her with a ship first.

This movie enlightens on the other terrifying prospect of the giant squid: they are all secretly sea witches with magical potions. They just haven't chosen to act upon their evil desires yet. Badass? I say, "Yea."

Want to be like Jean Grey? Mattel can help.

First off, welcome to the new location of my blog. My former blog was all about hot button topics in politics, so my first post should appropriately have nothing to do with that.

So, it's no secret I have an unhealthy love for anything related to superheroes. Still, it's not as though I'm alone in thinking that maybe a moderate amount of a superpower would be entirely badass. Well, this fall, you can buy a superpower.

I kid you not. Mattel -- the manufacturers of the Barbie doll -- has created a game in which you channel your telekinetic energy. The Mindflex, as it's called, sells for $80 and is available for sale in a few months.

Here's how it works: the toy, which is about two or three inches tall and has the diameter of a soccer ball, comes with small hoops and planks to form a miniature obstacle course. The object of the game is to navigate a foam ball the size of a golf ball through these obstacles. To do this, the player wears a headset that clips to his ears. As he concentrates, the brain waves lift the ball up by increasing the air force from within the toy (think of the effect of Marilyn Monroe standing over a vent; the wind was the force that blew the skirt up). When the player relaxes, the air decreases and the ball is lowered.

Okay, so it's not real telekinesis. But consider this:

This is an object that you control WITH YOUR MIND. Nothing is touching the toy except YOUR MIND. Scifi, meet reality.

Readers, if you're feeling generous, I won't tell anybody if you start sending me money so I can save up $80 to buy this thing. The Mindflex may only be a simple obstacle course, but you control it WITH YOUR MIND. Nothing is more badass. Save your first-person video games with complex plots; I'm satisfied with a ball, a hoop, and the ability to navigate and object WITH MY FREAKING MIND.